You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
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So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
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Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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