WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
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i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
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We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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