My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Help. Why am I so naked?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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