I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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