remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize