My first STD was from a foam party
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
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so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
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If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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