I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Dear god my vagina.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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