What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize