hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
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Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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