You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
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Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
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Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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