I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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