I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
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Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
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at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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