I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
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Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
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A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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