I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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