Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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