If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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