Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
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I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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