Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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