No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
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I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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