I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
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It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
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It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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