She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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