I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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