Will you blow on my dice?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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