It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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