A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize