My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize