Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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