Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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