You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
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im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
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The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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