I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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