How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
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If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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