The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
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I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
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Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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