i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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