Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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