I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
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I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
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I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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