You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize