it's too hot outside to masturbate.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
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but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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