I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
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I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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