we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I checked into jail on foursquare
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
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We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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