tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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