hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
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