He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
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That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
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I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
i now understand why vodka
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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