So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
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The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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