a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
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bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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