So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Soap is not a condiment
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
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Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
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I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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