Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
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We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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