Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
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It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
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When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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