oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
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Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
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Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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