Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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