i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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